She’s sexy, funny, understanding and smart but… are you compatible in the bedroom? When everything is going smoothly in a relationship but you’ve yet to reveal your innermost cravings, it can be hard to judge when, if ever, to do so. We discuss when and how to approach your significant other with some of your more deviant desires.

Just like partners, sexual fantasies can come in all shapes and sizes. If you find yourself focussing on one object, sensation or scenario to the point that the thing becomes more erotic than anything or anyone else, then you may well be a fetishist. Be it feet, leather, boobs, shoes or even roleplay, a fetish can become all-encompassing, like an obsessive itch that you just have to scratch. 

Pablo, 41, feels the kinky urge as he’s recently come out of a long-term, fetish-friendly relationship: “When we split up, I put my desires on hold. Then I started dating and soon became bored of the more simple, vanilla sex. Now I’m dying to find someone that I can try new things with.”

Desperate for your girlfriend to try reverse cowgirl or an all-day tantra session, but too afraid to ask? Pablo admits he’s too shy to discuss some of his more unusual fantasies: “That will have to wait until I meet someone I can love and trust.” 

It is only natural to be cautious, since being honest about your desires risks putting pressure on your partner. It’s no fun if you sense they’re only playing along for your sake, and playing without mutual enjoyment is likely to leave you both unsatisfied. 

And in the worst case, if they outright reject your fantasy then you risk causing offence or facing ridicule. But if your partner tries to make you feel like a weirdo for wanting to try something new, then heed the warning. A loving, trustworthy partner would never judge you for your experimental interests, even if those interests are beyond their understanding.

The good news is that with a bit of tact, understanding and sensitivity, you and your lover could be fulfilling your dreams of sexual acrobatics in no time. Ciara, 22, describes her love of what’s worn in the bedroom: “I love seeing women with leather gloves on”. Ciara explains: “A gloved hand is formal, domineering and it gives a great sensation”.

Instead of waiting around to be swooned by a glove-wearer, Ciara took a more direct approach. She simply bought her girlfriend a slightly self-centred gift, and then, at the end of a night out she encouraged her to keep the gloves on. By presenting her preference in a gentle, suggestive manner, Ciara managed to bypass a serious conversation and get straight to the action.

If your fantasies are of the more complex variety, then the sooner you can broach your deep held desires, the better. The longer you hold back on revealing your deviant desires, the more you may feel like the relationship is being held back too. 

If someone truly loves or adores you, they don’t want you to hide any part of yourself –  and any secretive elements to the relationship can create distrust or unease. You’ll know when the time is right to come clean (pun intended), and when you are ready to talk about it, be clear that you’ve needed some time in order to do so. 

Being upfront shows that you’re not afraid to express yourself, as well as demonstrating your sincerity and sexual confidence. The key is to keep it light rather than frame it as a secret or a problem, so that your partner may simply acknowledge your desires without having to dig any deeper unless they want to. Remind them that you’re sharing simply because it’s fun to do so and that your openness comes free of any expectations on their part. 

Perhaps the best approach is to ask what turns them on, and as you gradually incorporate your own ideas, you may well find that you’re both as naughty as each other! Whether it’s watching porn together, trying some new positions or just the beginnings of an exploratory chat… you’ll soon find that in sharing and indulging each others’ fantasies, you’ll be all the closer and connected.